I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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