8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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