my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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