I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
