Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
