my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
