I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
