You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
