I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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