I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
