At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
This girl is more easily done than said...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
