now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Randomize
