I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
