My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
