We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
