you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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