My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
