Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
