I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
