i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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