ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
