i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
