From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize