I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
