I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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