this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
