First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
