Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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