I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
