so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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