I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
