There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
