Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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