did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
