i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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