i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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