Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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