she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
