we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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