Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
