The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
