i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
