I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
