im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
