At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
