I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
