he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
