I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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