sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
