just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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