My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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