How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize