Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
