connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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