You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
