May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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