do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
