paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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