Is it normal to miss your booty call?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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