she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
