Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
