Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
