The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
