Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
