Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
