repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize