I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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