you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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