Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
