the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
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