I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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