Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
