I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Damn victory sex feels great
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