Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
