We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
